oh how sorry I am.

I have tried love again and It failed, I tried and I offered this wonderful torn broken guy my supportive, fun, nice, peaceful love, and I got doubts, selfishness and pain in return.... lots of pain I knew this was coming so I went to bed crying everynight thinking how things would be different if we live in the same place or he would just stay in one place so I can move there, but looking back now if I am no the reason why he needs to stay in one place then maybe he is not that into me and he does not love me the way I do, no matter how many I miss you texts I get, If I do not see a guy standing on my doorway saying I love you and I am sure of it, then I do not want it.

I wont erase him or hate him, or pretend that he was not part of my life at some point, if he wants to be part of it then he will have to watch me be with somebody else because is not hard for me I am not the kind of chick that thinks guys are few I think they are plenty of them, not all are right for me obviusly, but I still can have lots of fun in between is not the end of the world I am sorry for him tough I pass the fact that I am way better looking than he is, that he is way older than me, that he is hairline is further back each time I see him, and that he is not really a great catch. I saw the good things about him, he likes to travel , he can fix things, he can built things, and bed time was good. We had really good times when we are out we both like to drink, meet people, and just have fun,

I do not regret any of the things we did togueter I do not care If he was too ugly for me, because lots of people has told me I can do so much better, because yes I am nice and smart but I am a good looking gal, modesties aside is not like I am super model type or anything, is just I am cute and he was not.

I did like him tough I was in love his eyes were more blue to me, his hairy chest smell always nice, and we had fun in bed so I was allright with his age and all that, if he ever finds another girl my age is probably going to be really dumb or really into getting a gringo. Wich had happened to him before, the things is soon he is going to realize that he is making the biggest mistake of his life, because I might be just a girl for him but I am one great woman went to univeristy graduate, got a good job, got good feelings for him, and love him the way he was I never needed of him but I wanted him. And before when we first split he had a chance of going back with me and start a serious realtionship but now he has only the chance to see me from far and see what he was stupid enough to let go.

Oh I just feel so so so sorry already for him, I am like the one thing that god sends you after your 10 years girlfriends sends you to have a loving perfect life and he past it, now god wont be good to you twice he would be piece he sent somebody worthy of more to you because he felt sorry for you, imagine your 10 years old wrinkle girfriend would feel even more sorry for being that stupid. And happy that he ruined you forever.

So of course lets be friends, sure call me when you are here and I will go see you, but sorry If I take a date with me because what you cant see on me others can.

Maybe friends

It is over, one more time is over, I ended it... I am the one who is broken... or is he now?

I feel a stab everytime I think of him that is slowly becoming less painful the urge to make contact with him has become less and less urgent.

This time is completely different there is noone filling the gap, just me and my inner strength. I am surprised that when he decided to writte I decided not to answer and when I did it was to tell him not to writte anymore... pressed send, could he see how hard is this for me? I love him, I adore him, and somehow he has become my best friend I have told him things that noone else does about me and about my life. I want him in my life and for that our romantic relationship must be over I must leave those feelings behind me. I am trying really hard so when he wrote again I went to sleep with a broken heart because I know how hard it is for him to write that he misses talking to me, he said he hopes I am good... and I am, I am better now that I understand he misses me but does not need me, he has feelings for me but does not love me.

Is hard but he knows that and I know it, I tried I told him my feelings knowing I was not going to hear it back. I stayed with him for a few days knowing I was going to say goodbye at anytime trying to make him happy til the last moment. I want him in my life as the friend he is, so I will let go of this feelings and he will let go of me soon. I will look for him when I am ready and then maybe we can have some things back again.

If not we will have London, Madrid, Lima, La paz, and Mancora where this started where I knew he was going to be a big part of my live otherwise how could I explain the terrible pain I felt when i said goodbye to him, I knew then I know it he is going to be part of my life. 

Ayer la música, hoy la pared...

Yo tengo muchos mecanismos para lidiar con mis sentimientos, el escribir es uno de ellos, la música puede ser mas que un mecanismo un escape pero ayer me sirvió de pañuelo de lagrimas,  lagrimas que no derrame pero que se quedaron atoradas no en mis ojos pero en mi garganta, lagrimas que llovieron en mi alma.

Ayer la música fue el abrazo que necesitaba, el abrazo que calma el frió de una pena, el abrazo que te devuelve paz.

Ayer la música fue analgésico calmo el dolor de un corazón que empieza a quebrarse porque sabe que lo van a destruir... pero eso fue ayer y el efecto no dura hasta hoy. Hoy cuando respiro vuelve a llover en mi alma, y las lagrimas atrapadas se niegan a dejar mis ojos y arden en mi pecho y aprietan mi garganta.

Duele mierda y no recuerdo este dolor se que he pasado por esto o talvez algo peor me he esforzado por borrar ese tipo de tristeza y ahora vuelve la veo cerca esa pared fria esa pared que destruye el me alejo de esa pared y ahora me acerca... el se acerca también.


Ayer la música fue el consejo que quería oír, me contó mi historia , me contó de mis miedos y me dijo como termina mi historia... Ayer te escuche y hoy quiero olvidar como termina esta historia porque aprieta mas mi garganta y quiebra mas mi corazón...


No se quien llegara primero a la pared si alguien volverá a salvarme o si el evitara que los dos nos demos contra ella ... no se como salvarme creo que aun hoy trate de caminar en reversa sigo mirando la pared mientras lo hago no he volteado a buscar un camino que me ponga a salvo... pero tal vez el sienta el frió y el dolor de darse contra mi temida pared de desamor...

I dont want to want you

Dear T:

You asked me and I honestly answered,

I do I do I miss you everyday

You turn your face so I can't see,

You, do you do, you miss me the same way

How is that possible? Do not ask me

All I have is a certainty that I do feel what I feel

How is it possible for you to ignore it?

All you have is the uncertainty of feeling what you feel

I won't ever ask you to change your plans for me

You would never ask me to plan my life around you

We both keep complaining about how we have no chance

Because we are not in the same place

We both keep drifting away in our plans

And fucking closer in our hearts,

I wish it was the other way around

I know if I do not break us now

Chances are it would hurt my heart

Thousand times harder than what it hurts now

Yesterday I cried because I can't ask

Cause I can't dream a life with you.

Yesterday you got drunk because you can’t promise

Cause you can't let me dream a life with you

 You asked me a thousand times thousand more

What did I want from you I said I didn't know

I lie, I know what I want

I lie to myself as well

Because I thought I will never want that

I want stupid forever with you even if I have to miss you

Half of forever. Even if I have to cry every other night.

You are all I want.