My endless curiosity

I am curious person that has to be one of my best and worst qualities. I am curious to the point I wont stop until I get the answers I need or visit the places I feel I need to see. Never fulfilled with just attempting I must go further. I let my curiosity took over and maybe lost myself a bit on it. The thing is not always about attraction to someone I must admit attraction is not even there I believe both sides is more an understanding the only attraction is the kind that makes you want to touch fire even when you know it hurts and I apparently have not burn enough.

Is not even him I truly don't like him he is just not what I look for on a guy he lacks many fundamental qualities for me to want to be around him yet he has enough qualities for me to like him as a person who can be in my life, but he is like a door. Yes a door you spend so much time trying to figure out how to opened it, where is the key, where is the damn god key, you almost a bit obsessed with that door so much that you want to push the door but is not the door you just want to see what is behind it and when you have given up because pushing the door hurt you a bit already, then surprisingly the door is slightly open and you get to see a bit of what is behind.

Now is clear it was never the door I was obsessed about, is what I was guessing was behind it and my guesses were right, and my guesses were wrong, and what is there is not good or bad is worse... is different is exactly the kind of different that makes me curious and become a door, one that could slightly revealed where curiosity took me.

I wish Michael Bubbles songs turn into exhaling air push trough your vocal chords

I wish Michael Bubble's songs turn into exhaling air push trough your vocal chords... So I can hear that cheesy lines that I so hopeless listen to when my heart feels a bit achy... I am never scare anymore of showing my annoyingly plane Jane side, the girl who check her phone hoping for a turn in the story, the one who wanders what went wrong? although my cold and rational brain avoid this plane Jane to emerge from me, she is there... Is a plane version that my OH so strong and confident Gabrrrrrrrrriela empathize the R just the way I empathize my personality when I decide to wear red..,. OH OH OUCH! it hurts this little weirdo has done i, he has made me oversleep and tear a bit over his indifference... how? he friend zone me... Not saying I am any close to girlfriend material because I am not,  slowly I am turning into anything but that, but I am a great material...  I am really... so the friend zone came as a shock. At first I thought it was because he did not met me, then when we met, it became clear he is just not into me... Yet I had to ask...

Yes yes I asked!! why??? because I have balls and over the years I fell in love with myself and because I love me much, I am not going on wandering if he likes me as friends or if he changed the way he sees me because he met me, yes he says he wants to see me again.. but Do I? I mean at the very moment I was talking to him I had a guy hopelessly waiting for a message of me saying I will go out with him in another date... And him in the line saying he sees me only as a friend... and is his right he can chose to see me just as his friend and for him to want to spend more time together as friends because I am a very fun person to be around I think it comes from my love for myself I became so confident that fun and exciting things seems to happen to me more often... but is also my right to protect myself from being stupid and spend time with someone who I potentially could develop a bigger crush on...

If I am honest to me I think the 2 reasons I liked him were, one because he is there, he texts, he calls, he listens, and then he looks like Harry Potter... and yes I am a Harry Potter's fan along to the mass of Asian girls who find him cute and that he finds cute as well (so I will assumed my Asian features were not clear to him). I told him if he kept dating these girls it will keep going down the sink he is so not boring but boring... I mean he stays at home on a weekend most times, and had to rebuild himself so that he can be some sort of normal guy which I admired but I like he is still a weirdo... and these girls are just oh god not going to judge them but boredom is along the line of what define most of them... but then is not his fault I guess that is what he likes, en gustos y colores no hay autores!

I only wish I was less of a coward and would have at least tried to be your friend... but I am not risking myself to make the mistake of falling for someone who is not going to correspond me again... sorry, maybe next year who knows... maybe if these feelings go away... maybe we could go get drunk with wine and take salsa lessons, and just walk and have a silly conversations as we said we would... and I meant it chicken....  I am glad we are not strangers anymore.

oh how sorry I am.

I have tried love again and It failed, I tried and I offered this wonderful torn broken guy my supportive, fun, nice, peaceful love, and I got doubts, selfishness and pain in return.... lots of pain I knew this was coming so I went to bed crying everynight thinking how things would be different if we live in the same place or he would just stay in one place so I can move there, but looking back now if I am no the reason why he needs to stay in one place then maybe he is not that into me and he does not love me the way I do, no matter how many I miss you texts I get, If I do not see a guy standing on my doorway saying I love you and I am sure of it, then I do not want it.

I wont erase him or hate him, or pretend that he was not part of my life at some point, if he wants to be part of it then he will have to watch me be with somebody else because is not hard for me I am not the kind of chick that thinks guys are few I think they are plenty of them, not all are right for me obviusly, but I still can have lots of fun in between is not the end of the world I am sorry for him tough I pass the fact that I am way better looking than he is, that he is way older than me, that he is hairline is further back each time I see him, and that he is not really a great catch. I saw the good things about him, he likes to travel , he can fix things, he can built things, and bed time was good. We had really good times when we are out we both like to drink, meet people, and just have fun,

I do not regret any of the things we did togueter I do not care If he was too ugly for me, because lots of people has told me I can do so much better, because yes I am nice and smart but I am a good looking gal, modesties aside is not like I am super model type or anything, is just I am cute and he was not.

I did like him tough I was in love his eyes were more blue to me, his hairy chest smell always nice, and we had fun in bed so I was allright with his age and all that, if he ever finds another girl my age is probably going to be really dumb or really into getting a gringo. Wich had happened to him before, the things is soon he is going to realize that he is making the biggest mistake of his life, because I might be just a girl for him but I am one great woman went to univeristy graduate, got a good job, got good feelings for him, and love him the way he was I never needed of him but I wanted him. And before when we first split he had a chance of going back with me and start a serious realtionship but now he has only the chance to see me from far and see what he was stupid enough to let go.

Oh I just feel so so so sorry already for him, I am like the one thing that god sends you after your 10 years girlfriends sends you to have a loving perfect life and he past it, now god wont be good to you twice he would be piece he sent somebody worthy of more to you because he felt sorry for you, imagine your 10 years old wrinkle girfriend would feel even more sorry for being that stupid. And happy that he ruined you forever.

So of course lets be friends, sure call me when you are here and I will go see you, but sorry If I take a date with me because what you cant see on me others can.

Maybe friends

It is over, one more time is over, I ended it... I am the one who is broken... or is he now?

I feel a stab everytime I think of him that is slowly becoming less painful the urge to make contact with him has become less and less urgent.

This time is completely different there is noone filling the gap, just me and my inner strength. I am surprised that when he decided to writte I decided not to answer and when I did it was to tell him not to writte anymore... pressed send, could he see how hard is this for me? I love him, I adore him, and somehow he has become my best friend I have told him things that noone else does about me and about my life. I want him in my life and for that our romantic relationship must be over I must leave those feelings behind me. I am trying really hard so when he wrote again I went to sleep with a broken heart because I know how hard it is for him to write that he misses talking to me, he said he hopes I am good... and I am, I am better now that I understand he misses me but does not need me, he has feelings for me but does not love me.

Is hard but he knows that and I know it, I tried I told him my feelings knowing I was not going to hear it back. I stayed with him for a few days knowing I was going to say goodbye at anytime trying to make him happy til the last moment. I want him in my life as the friend he is, so I will let go of this feelings and he will let go of me soon. I will look for him when I am ready and then maybe we can have some things back again.

If not we will have London, Madrid, Lima, La paz, and Mancora where this started where I knew he was going to be a big part of my live otherwise how could I explain the terrible pain I felt when i said goodbye to him, I knew then I know it he is going to be part of my life. 

Ayer la música, hoy la pared...

Yo tengo muchos mecanismos para lidiar con mis sentimientos, el escribir es uno de ellos, la música puede ser mas que un mecanismo un escape pero ayer me sirvió de pañuelo de lagrimas,  lagrimas que no derrame pero que se quedaron atoradas no en mis ojos pero en mi garganta, lagrimas que llovieron en mi alma.

Ayer la música fue el abrazo que necesitaba, el abrazo que calma el frió de una pena, el abrazo que te devuelve paz.

Ayer la música fue analgésico calmo el dolor de un corazón que empieza a quebrarse porque sabe que lo van a destruir... pero eso fue ayer y el efecto no dura hasta hoy. Hoy cuando respiro vuelve a llover en mi alma, y las lagrimas atrapadas se niegan a dejar mis ojos y arden en mi pecho y aprietan mi garganta.

Duele mierda y no recuerdo este dolor se que he pasado por esto o talvez algo peor me he esforzado por borrar ese tipo de tristeza y ahora vuelve la veo cerca esa pared fria esa pared que destruye el me alejo de esa pared y ahora me acerca... el se acerca también.


Ayer la música fue el consejo que quería oír, me contó mi historia , me contó de mis miedos y me dijo como termina mi historia... Ayer te escuche y hoy quiero olvidar como termina esta historia porque aprieta mas mi garganta y quiebra mas mi corazón...


No se quien llegara primero a la pared si alguien volverá a salvarme o si el evitara que los dos nos demos contra ella ... no se como salvarme creo que aun hoy trate de caminar en reversa sigo mirando la pared mientras lo hago no he volteado a buscar un camino que me ponga a salvo... pero tal vez el sienta el frió y el dolor de darse contra mi temida pared de desamor...

I dont want to want you

Dear T:

You asked me and I honestly answered,

I do I do I miss you everyday

You turn your face so I can't see,

You, do you do, you miss me the same way

How is that possible? Do not ask me

All I have is a certainty that I do feel what I feel

How is it possible for you to ignore it?

All you have is the uncertainty of feeling what you feel

I won't ever ask you to change your plans for me

You would never ask me to plan my life around you

We both keep complaining about how we have no chance

Because we are not in the same place

We both keep drifting away in our plans

And fucking closer in our hearts,

I wish it was the other way around

I know if I do not break us now

Chances are it would hurt my heart

Thousand times harder than what it hurts now

Yesterday I cried because I can't ask

Cause I can't dream a life with you.

Yesterday you got drunk because you can’t promise

Cause you can't let me dream a life with you

 You asked me a thousand times thousand more

What did I want from you I said I didn't know

I lie, I know what I want

I lie to myself as well

Because I thought I will never want that

I want stupid forever with you even if I have to miss you

Half of forever. Even if I have to cry every other night.

You are all I want.

dije mucho... y desapareci

Te dije mucho o talvez dije poco...
pero no hay duda, tu no dijiste nada
tu te quedaste perdido en la indecision
y yo decidi por los dos
Si existe duda no existe la certeza
y en estas cosas cielo se necesita estar seguro...

No busques tiempo para pensarlo...
busca tiempo para dejar de extrañarme
porque como te dije me voy a esfumar...
te acuerdas como llegue a ti ?
te acuerdas de la suerte del irlandes
no se donde quedo esa suerte cielo
pero ya lejos de mi estas...

Pero no se me olvidara
el azul de tus ojos al despertar
la dureza de la piel en tus manos
tu sonrisa torcida
y tu cabello grueso...

me esfumare
pero no se esfumaran los recuerdos
me esfumare
pero no se esfumara
el olor a tabaco en mis sabanas
me esfumare
pero jamas de ti

En ti quedare
como la marca de la indecision
y cada vez que escuches la cancion
que para ti cante
me escucharas
extrañandote y deseando
jamas haber desaparecido asi...